I'm so tired

warning: whiny litany ahead. Global, then local.

And I’m sure a lot of you are feeling the same way.

Tired after this election and all we put into it and how badly it turned out. Tired of thinking about reliving his last term, but knowing it’ll be much, much worse.

Tired of the media, the pundits, the pollsters, the podcasts and the bullshit. I haven’t watched the news since Tuesday, and I know I’m not alone in that.

Tired of the way Americans vote against their best interests. Tired of the way people make incredibly important decisions. Tired of the war against expertise. Tired of the rise of right-wing populism across the globe, as though we don’t know how that’ll turn out.

Those are the global things that are exhausting me and so many others.

There are of course local things that are tiring me out too. I’m tired of caregiving. Tired of taking care of Nick and taking care of Bear and taking care of the house and taking care of everything. Tired of cooking and baking and taking out the trash and the compost. Tired of organizing and dealing with the laundry. Tired of walking Bear. I love them both Nick and Bear with all my heart, but I’m bone tired. And neither is unusually demanding or difficult, it’s just what an old boss of mine used to call the reality of the situation.

Tired of the sameness of the days.

Tired of doing everything I have to do every day and doing them with a TBI and a shoulder injury.

Tired of having my shoulder injury minimized and my TBI turning out to be untreatable.

Tired of a healthcare system that denies me care I need and makes me jump through flaming hoops to get the basics. Tired of being treated differently by healthcare providers because I don’t have a penis.

Tired of expecting more from people than they deliver.

Tired of being disappointed.

Tired of the very routines and patterns I developed to manage the TBI and the anxiety.

I know what I need to do - break the pattern. I’m not sure how, but I know that it can’t just keep going on this way. But I don’t know how. My responsibilities aren’t going anywhere, nor my stresses or injuries.

I know in many ways we’re very fortunate. There are stresses we don’t have to deal with and choices we have (or will have.) And I’m aware of that. It doesn’t help much in the day-to-day, but helps a little more when I can step back from that. That isn’t happening that often right now.

Just right now, on this chilly November Saturday I’m feeling every moment of my age, every muscle I use to take care of everything, a sadness in my soul and a genuine bewilderment of what - if anything - to do next.

I’m so tired.

Sorry for all the complaining, beloved readers. I needed to just express the exhaustion I’m feeling to the marrow of my bones.