What Uber Did To Me

Thanksgiving themed

Uber, here’s what you’ve done to me. And in the spirit of the day it’s not all bad (she said, tongue firmly held in cheek.)

• You’ve given me the world’s best excuse for getting out of anything I don’t want to do. Tip of the hat to you, Uber.

• You’ve gifted me the joy of seeing matinees instead of evening performances. Much appreciated, Uber.

• You’ve helped me get used to wearing glasses. Reading glasses, prism glasses, sunglasses. Always struggled with that. Not anymore. Thanks, Uber.

• You’ve helped me appreciate slowness and stillness. Never wanted to but yeah, thanks anyway Uber.

• You’ve accelerated my move along the spectrum toward introversion. That’s all on you, Uber.

• You’ve made me much more aware of different types of sound. Hearing and listening are different than they were before. Kudos, Uber, on that.

• You’ve helped me meet a wide range of healthcare providers. Who knew I’d have two neurologists, one eye doctor, two pain docs, now on my third rehab therapist. Other players have moved in and out of scene. Thanks, Uber, may never have gotten to meet these people otherwise.

• You’ve taught me how to socialize with the structure of a small child’s party or play date. Everything has a start time and an end time. Such a nice touch, Uber. Nothing I love more than being fenced in.

• You’ve forced me to get better at phone calls, though they still need to remain short. One hand clapping, Uber.

• You’ve taught me what it means to live with limitations. Take the win, Uber.

• You’ve reminded me of how hard it is to learn. Way to go, Uber.

• You’ve made me get real about everything, including my own BS (my own capacity for BS - as many of you know - has always been boundless.) Yeah I can’t BS my way through this. Thanks, Uber.

• You’ve taught me the invaluable skill of learning to live with chronic pain. Such a useful skill; so glad to have acquired it. Couldn’t have done it without you, Uber.

• You’ve forced me to be more careful about everything I do. Actually what you’ve done is introduced the notion of caution to my life. Didn’t really want it, never did but here we are. Thanks a bunch, Uber.

• You’ve made me appreciate what I do have. That one is unironically appreciated. But I really miss what I no longer have.

Find the win, take the win.

Fuck you, Uber.

That’s my Thanksgiving appreciation, ode and haiku rolled into (what I hope is) a list that’ll give you all a chuckle, or even just a smile. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, beloved readers. We’re going anti-Thanksgiving today. Just me, Nick and Bear, ordering in Indian food and watching The Big Lebowski.